How to Attract Men

As many of you know, the ultimate source of happiness is external. Some people falsely believe that satisfaction comes from a healthy outlook. Happiness, specifically a woman’s happiness, comes when a man officially declares her worthiness. Career, health, and family are all important but first and foremost a woman needs to make sure she alters her lifestyle to attract a boyfriend. Lucky for you, I am a master at the art of seduction. Just ask any of my body pillows. So here are the best ways to attract a man.

First thing you need to understand, is that men enjoy a nicely dressed lady. But contrary to popular belief, they hate breasts. What really turns a man on is when a woman sports a nice turtle neck. The higher the neck, the happier the fella. If you can pull it up over your face that’s even better because it leaves more to the imagination and what man doesn’t like a bit of mystery?  Plus sometimes men notice faces and assuming you look like the Phantom of the Opera I’d keep that thing hidden. They also love high wasted shorts and tons of makeup. When the man you went home with wakes up next to a decomposing body, the relief of realizing that he’s not a *necrophiliac and it was just your makeup wearing off is the best gift you could give him!

Another way to attract a man is to blast him with your deepest secrets the second you meet him. Whether it’s a hit-and-run to an idolization of Osama Bin Laden, men love to know all about you. Similarly to this they absolutely love when you ask them if you look fat all the time. Because even though you do, the excitement of hoping you don’t see their pupils dilate gives them an adrenaline rush as they wait to see if you’ll slit their throat.

Men also love extremely skinny women. Don’t believe when they claim that they all have individual tastes because it’s not true. It makes them feel manly when they can pick you up and throw you against a wall to kiss you. The sound of your spine breaking against the concrete will show off your petite frame and make him feel strong and manly. They also love the lack of curves because it allows them to navigate societal boundaries and experiment with their sexuality.

I know I can sometimes get on my high horse and act like I know everything but it’s only because I do. I don’t like to brag about it but men flock to me constantly. The only reason you don’t know it is because I wear a man repellant spray so they can’t get within fifteen feet of me.  But try these tips out and let me know how it goes. Good luck!

*Someone tell me how to spell this because google says it’s right but Word says its wrong and now I have necrophilia in my search history.

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