How to Convince a Stranger to do the Unthinkable

Dedicated to Grace Cho and Sarah…sorry I don’t know how to spell your last name.  But you rock!

I was asked to write about this topic by two beautiful people who just needed a little guidance and I would never deprive someone of my wisdom.  I didn’t want to label exactly what this article was about in the title because the topic can deter some audiences.  These audiences are ignorant bigots but I respect their desire to completely suppress freedom of speech and freedom of any kind leaving us all to fester in diminutive metal cages.  This blog is about how to convince a stranger to pluck your nipple hair.  From personal experience I can tell you that this is a more dangerous task than you might realize.  If you go about it the wrong way you could lose a nipple.  If you go about it the right way, you’ll walk out with two nipples, and possibly even keep your own.  So listen up closely and follow these steps for a successful plucking.

For one, I want you to know that this is totally normal and you have nothing to be embarrassed about.  Lets face it, a hairy nipple is devastating and gross so you sure as hell can’t go near that thing.  That’s what strangers are for!  The first strategy I have for you is known as guilt.  You may have heard of it before.  First you will select your stranger.  Now go up to him and show him a really touching story on the internet about a time where a police officer gave a homeless man a hamburger.  So the officer may have left the man in a puddle of water and a sheet of ice covering his face but at least that snowman has a hamburger now.  People just love this stuff.  So now you’ve inspired this ordinary citizen to feel like he or she could matter in a persons’ life.  Perfect.  You pull the tweezers out of our pocket and ask him to pluck.  There is no way this guy is going to say no.  He hasn’t bought anyone a hamburger today.  It’s almost fool proof but it sure as hell is not the only strategy I have.

Strategy two: deceit.  So first you are going to need some PCP.  Then you are going to have to go up to the stranger and give it to him.  Administering PCP to a stranger is not always easy but it can most certainly be done.  Just make sure he isn’t looking and wait for a five to ten minute pause where he is spaced out with his jaw unhinged.  Shove it in.  Now, force his jaw closed and hold his nose and mouth so he is forced to swallow.  He may notice so be careful.  Now he is seeing double.  Tell him his eyebrows are unshapely and then present him with tweezers.  Bring a mirror so that he can see the results.  Now, while he is preparing to pluck his eyebrows, take your shirt off.  Subtly press your nipple to his eyebrow and don’t say a word.  Because he is on PCP, he will believe that your nipple is his eyebrow and start plucking.

The last option is if all else fails.  I would be shocked to find out that these strategies didn’t work but I just want to give you a back up.  This last strategy is just being straight up with him.  You see a stranger and he is human just like you probably are.  He gets it.  He too sometimes has nipple hair.  This is your dialogue

“Hey bud, you have nipple hair right?” -You

*standing up with eyes widening*  “Yes…yes I do.” -Stranger

*tearing up* “I…I just…it’s so hard.  I just want a nipple as bald as my grandpa’s head and I need help…will…will you please pluck the hairs?”-You

“Yes.  Yes I will!” -Stranger.  *You and the stranger hug in a warm embrace*

It’s as simple as that.  If any of these techniques do not work then you have chosen a hellacious stranger unworthy of the sight of your golden nipple locks.  I want to apologize to my sensitive viewers but we can’t just ignore this problem in society.  It’s there and it happens and it absolutely needs to be dealt with.  Thank you Sarah and Grace for recommending this blog and helping me help the world.

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