How to Replace Bad Emotions with Good Ones

Are you a person who feels emotions?  Do you react to daily events?  Well if so you’re not alone.  One in seventeen Americans reports having felt at least one negative emotion in their lifetime and the effects can be debilitating.  After shedding a tear in front of your family, an aura of tragedy can radiate throughout the household for months, years, maybe even days.  This has to stop.  You might be thinking “aren’t negative emotions sometimes justified?”  No.  Negative emotions are pointless and although some people believe they motivate good choices, they are so wrong I could literally drown myself.  So here is how to swap out negative emotions with positive ones.

The first swap we are going to make is sadness with ecstasy.  Take this scenario: You just saw your dog get hit by a truck.  Where is Little Fido’s head?  I don’t know.  But it’s not on his body that’s for damn sure.  His body is still twitching a little in front of you and you begin to feel a lump in your throat.  Swallow that lump.  You’re an adult, not a dandelion. Instead, what you do is take this feeling and replace it with ecstasy.  Fido doesn’t want you to cry over him.  He wants you to be excited about this once in a lifetime event.  He wants you to tap dance on his corpse while playing the fiddle.  He wants you to pop confetti next to his right hind leg and then drive over to his left hind leg and pop it again!  Just be prepared for other people to watch and judge you.  Some Negative Nellys think it’s insensitive to party next to a maimed loved one but oh wait a second!  You didn’t ask their opinion!

Another negative feeling you can replace is guilt.  Yes.  Replace guilt with confidence.  Your father’s sperm didn’t just choose any egg to fertilize.  It chose the one that would create the repugnant monster we call you.  And you were not brought onto this Earth to feel guilty.  So ya robbed the grave of someone’s lover.  No point in dwelling on it.  Instead, keep your head held high and remember why you robbed it in the first place.  My guess would be to collect some retro clothes or to try to communicate with the dead.  Wear those clothes with confidence and chat with those remains like you don’t give a damn!  Guilt will do nothing except make you confess the truth.  It’s a useless, USELESS, emotion.

The last example I will give you is replacing horniness with annoyance.  As we all know, horniness is a very negative emotion with no purpose whatsoever other than reproduction maybe if you’re into that shit.  Now here is the scenario for this one: I’ll take the perspective of a heterosexual man.  Here I am, with my penis.  And there you are with your chest planets.  You start sweating and breathing heavily.  I hand you an inhaler but apparently I misinterpreted what you wanted.  You take out your boobs and start pinwheeling them.  Obviously I’m starting to feel horny right now so what do I do?  Swap it out with annoyance.  So what her breast smacks me across the face so hard my head makes a hole in the wall?  I just roll my eyes.  Oh god now she’s naked with her legs behind her head.  Not a problem for this guy.  I’m so annoyed that I start looking at my phone because I am done with this girl.  She’s so annoying.

There you have it.  So many people think that because they are human that they have to subject themselves to all emotions.  WRONG.  From now on you can rid yourself of negative emotions and become the sociopath you’ve always wanted to become!

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